My first A.A visit

Yesterday evening I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I rang up the helpline and spoke to a lovely young man with a West Country twang called Mike. He himself was an alcoholic and he shared a few of his experiences whilst I nodded furiously and more or less concurred with everything he said. I don't think I have ever spoken to anyone else who has recognised this addiction before and it was....refreshing. He kindly informed another member that I would be attending so as to soften to blow a little.

I arrived half an hour early so locked up my bike and positioned myself on the church steps. Half expecting my buttocks to singe as I sat down I couldn't help but notice the prominent crucifix hanging above my head in the window behind me. What would Jesus do indeed.... After chain smoking about three cigarettes I began scanning the passers-by for possible group members. One man stumbled across the pavement swaying from side to side and I thought he must be the real deal, but no, he waddled on past the entrance-obviously not ready to embark upon the journey I am about to (and I can't really blame him as that was me two weekends ago, or was it last weekend-I can't remember).

Two men approached and this time, they were going in. One of them confided to me that he was just stopping by on his way to 'CA' to which I replied, 'Sorry what's that?' He explained Cocaine Anonymous to me and continued on the same note with all these other turns of phrase and vocabulary which were utterly foreign to me, 'the steps, sponsor, a share etc' I didn't want to appear completely stupid so I just let him chat. It was nice.

I got to go to the beginners meeting and so took up my seat, started frantically chewing my nails and waiting for the other four people to come in. I thought there would be more!? The leader (?) opens proceedings with a prayer (?) and then opens up the discussion with the group. I listened attentively to the other men speak ( I forgot to mention I was the only girl) and their stories were above all touching. I didn't think I was going to say anything but I did. My name is.... and then the next phrase 'and I am an alcoholic'. What happened next completely took me by surprise; I burst into tears and blubbered my way through a series of jumbled explanations. the man next to me offered me a tissue and to my surprise, mutterings of 'well done' could be heard. I am sat in a room with four other strangers and I don't think I've ever felt so laid-bare. The man after me spoke and referred to his situation and kept referring to me, always using my name. Isn't it underrated how nice that is? When someone directly calls you by your name.

The pre-meeting ended and as I went outside to wait for the main one to begin, I saw a LOT of other people. Older women, older men, younger women and younger men. A woman then approached me and told me she was expecting my arrival, so I clung to her (not literally) for the rest of the evening. She is only a little bit older than me and is perfectly content with her life-the best it's ever been she said.

My cynical self led my mind to believe I would be entering a room of over enthusiastic, hand clapping hippies. Not the case. No dishevelled old men, no tearful outbursts from a woman called Janice with too much make-up (I don't know where this idea came from) but simply an eclectic mix of people who seemed to be all friends.

We listened to the speaker, I listened to the others talk about their experiences and heard one thing that really stuck in my mind
'It's the only illness that has the ability to tell you that you aren't suffering from it.'

I'm going to go again on Thursday. I can't wait.